My Problem With Hell

I’ve said as much before, but the emotional maelstrom of recent events led me to lose myself again – it happens with an embarrassing frequency – I have a problem with Hell. Hell and I have irreconcilable differences.

And why is that? Because I’ve loved a suicide. And I have and will continue to love atheists. Any code of behavior which says such people are doomed forever is morally unacceptable – and in such a system of belief where these people I’ve loved must be punished forever, well, I need to go right down there with them.

It’s a powerful emotion and I don’t know how to handle the swell of it all, particularly given my traumatic history (That I relive on far too many mornings) when others are around.  But by this time my words are well known enough (I’ve offered them freely to the best and brightest in entertainment) and that should speak for itself – I create, and I create alone.  Of course, if anyone has a desire to collaborate online, or wishes to hire this maddening muse, please feel welcome to do so.

Even if I seem like I’m just out of my mind, know that I still love this world.  I just need some space to create.

Prices are negotiable.  But I plan to keep on swinging.  Metaphorically – the actual swinging bothers the hell right out of me.

Also if anybody wants a bunch of random old stuff, come and take it.  Donations to the “I will leave you all alone” Foundation are much appreciated.

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24 Comments

  1. Uhhhh, Amy, you’re starting to get a little non sequitur on us. This isn’t some sort of abstract suicide note, is it? Because if so, you’re doing it all wrong. It can’t be any of this teary-eyed “I’m elevating to a higher place” stuff – you need lots of blame & final bitter jabs at the cruel unforgiving world you’re leaving behind.

  2. Non Sequitur is really the only way I can think to describe what it feels like to have repressed memories of sexual assault resurface without enough structure in my life to help me weather the storm. I’m so baffled by it all that I am not even really sure which of a score of memories are the real deal and have to block out vast periods of time to function.

    Because that’s what being assaulted did to my mind. It split apart what I once knew from what I felt able to accomplish. It’s a very difficult insecurity to get past, and I know I’ve struggled more than a lot of people think I should have. And being afraid of men has made it much worse for me. I even feel uncomfortable arguing with men I’ve never even met. It’s sad and terrifying and depressing and my single biggest hangup in life… and the internet has been the most supportive environment for that problem I’ve found yet, which is why I never want to get disconnected from all of this support.

    Which I know I’ve misused. But if I roll over and die now than I have truly, truly wasted everyone’s time.
    -AP

    • I don’t think you’ve “misused the internet.” This great social hive-mind never really came with an instruction manual, but if anything, you’ve enriched it by drawing attention to a very real & under-represented social issue. And you’ve got yourself a friend. Or two. I noticed you have this one person who Likes all your posts. Even the one where you were just rambling on about the new Jack White album.

      Anyway, sounds like you’re going through a particularly dense patch of shit right now. I’m afraid I can’t be of much help remotely. Tell you what I could do, though. I’m a man whom you’ve never even met. You could practice arguing with me and work towards getting over your “single biggest hangup in life”. And it would be all good, because I actually respect people for having a different but well-founded opinion, and I’m just naturally contrary.

      • Yeah the internet is very, very confusing in it’s vast dark and terribleness. But it’s good to know I can practice standing up for myself from a long, long distance away from people. People are scary.

        And it’s good to know that I can just rant and rant and somebody will always be there to go “Huh, neat.”

  3. It’s because you’ve been listening to Jack White, isn’t it? All that crazy “queen of England to the hounds of Hell” word saladry that makes Kurt Cobain seem coherent & Billy Corgan… well, still seem like he writes songs by jabbing a pin through a dictionary then combining the words it pierces into rhyming lyrics.

  4. Yeah it’s quite possible. I do lose my mind a little when I hear too much male angst, which really must be my most crippling addiction in life. If I could kick that habit, who knows what I could accomplish?

  5. The internet truly is the hive mind of humanity. All that is good & noble, all that is dark & disgusting – the sum total of all the knowledge and ignorance of our species, the fetishes and the fantasies, the creativity and the cretinism, is embedded here. So, in a very real sense, the words you write here are etched into the soul of humanity itself.

  6. P.S. On more than one occasion, I’ve mentally misread the title of this post as the much more humorous “The Hell With My Problems”.

  7. Yes, I’ve definitely seen the dark and the disgusting parts of the internet. And if I’m tagging humanity, I’ll have to really slow down.

  8. Read (pretty much anything), listen to music, hike, watch birds, play with dogs, watch nature documentaries, write. I have a really big interest in law but it also sorta throws me off.

  9. Have you ever taken your dog for a bird-watching hike in the woods, then reach a clearing and read a book while listening to some music, and then afterward write about your day?

    • That kind of segueways into another question that’s been on my mind. Is being transgendered very costly financially? You’ve never really talked about that, but it’s hard to see it *not* impacting your wallet (purse?), especially when you decide to first start the transition.

      If you work in a service industry job, as most young people do, I imagine it’s likely you’d get a fair amount of restriction from up-top about just how you can express yourself. Management’s number one concern is the bottom line, and I’m betting there are enough customers out there who find transgender folk off-putting enough that you’d start to be considered a liability. Granted, I’m pretty sure firing someone because of that is illegal, but as management doesn’t have to give a reason for letting you go, good luck trying to prove discrimination in court, especially seeing as now you have no way to pay for a lawyer.

      Now once you can successfully pass for the other sex, I imagine it becomes less of a problem, but no one gets there overnight, and usually the path there, especially for transwomen, involves multiple surgeries. Which are of course going to be considered cosmetic by insurance companies, which means you’ll have to pay for them out of pocket. And if you want to get THE surgery, you’ll still have to pay for a few months of psychotherapeutic sessions and go through tons of paperwork, which I’m sure isn’t free either. And then there are the drugs.

      And then of course at some point you’re going to have to replace your entire wardrobe. Of course transmen have it a *lot* easier in this respect. Men’s clothes are cheap. People like you – not so lucky.

      Am I on track with any of this? If so, how the hell do you manage it? I don’t want to pry too much into the details of your personal life, but the problems in crossing over seem insurmountable to a normal person. Where the average shmuck is worrying about paying a note on a car and a house, and maybe/probably student loans, trans people are essentially paying for two entire lives at once.

  10. Hey Ames, just checking up on you. You’ve not posted for three months, and I’m going to assume it’s because something truly wonderfugyj AHA! GOT YOU YOU DAMNED MOSQUITO has befallen you and you’ve been far too distracted to post.

  11. Actually yes, a lifetime of hard work and discretion is finally paying off. The other half of why I’ve not been posting is that I’m under a lot of stress right now.

    And yes, the paying for two lives at once comment is dead on. Having serious inborn medical or psychological issues means someone has to put in twice as much work for, at best, equal results.

  12. Hey Ames, I just discovered “Salute Your Solution” by the Raconteurs. I love it. Does Jack White or the Raconteurs have any other stuff that rocks that hard?

  13. Hmmmm…..While hell is a scarey thought, some people believe that an unsaved person can be saved, if they are loved by a saved person. I believe Jesus also said “love one another, for love covers a variety of sins”. This leads me to believe that even from the most traditionalist religious viewpoint, a person is to be judged first and foremost by the quality of their heart. So I would not think of hell and despair, but delight in what feeds your heart. Unless, you know, what feeds your heart is being a serial killer. Then, you’re probably going to hell. Unless saved people loved you, then, you get purgatory ((hell lite)) for a few aeons until all the evil is purged out of you….I believe that’s how some people say it works, who go in for that kind of thing. But we all find our own path.

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