The Impossibility of “Don’t…”

Hey everybody, ever notice that everyone hates being told “don’t,” but loves telling other people “don’t?”  You probably don’t want my opinion on the subject, and if so, don’t read this.

Knock that off this instant.  Don’t use don’t in a sentence or something impossibly terrible will happen to you right this instant.  Because as an anonymous person on the internet, I know things nobody else does.  Anonymous not good enough for you?  Well here’s a trendy sketch or a picture I drew.

Building tolerance is a good thing.  Expressing opinions is a good thing.  Venting rage with jokes?  Well, that can be a good thing as well.  (As vices go, snark is one of the better ones.)

But use of the word (Well, ‘contraction of two words’) “Don’t” essentially seems to doom something to failure, in so far as only whoever already agreed will want to pay enough attention.  And the Internet is struggling with a crippling addiction to the word “Don’t.”

So I suppose the thesis here is that I am wasting my time by writing this at all.  But if you want my advice, which no one does, nor should they, don’t say “don’t” in an actual conversation if you plan to get anywhere with it.

Make your negative statements flip around into something positive and you can trick more people into agreeing with you.

You can even trick yourself into agreeing with you, and liking yourself is pretty damn cool.  (Even if some of the cool kids don’t try it.  Being a cool kid may also prove to be a problematic addiction, in some cases.  Avoid consumption of alcohol while pretending to be a cool kid.)

But I might have just ruined that statement by being reasonable for a second, in between my jokes.

“Don’t you use don’t a whole lot?”

“Yes, yes I do.”

“So you’re a liar?”


“Don’t lie ever!”

“I love and respect that you  just yelled instructions at me over the internet.  Please don’t think that I am just saying this because I don’t have any respect for what you are doing right now.”

(Did you see what I did there?  I don’t.)

But I am trying to avoid the “n’t” when I speak.  Because it is a bit confusing for a simple conversation.  And if any of this nonsense confused you, just picture that little cartoon up there winking at regular intervals.  (It makes more sense the less you care about what makes sense).

And next week?  Maybe I’ll be less funny.


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